


Sorry That I Walked Away

by starlitsouls



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cliche, Established Relationship, I Tried, I'm Bad At Summaries, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 13:31:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16517429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlitsouls/pseuds/starlitsouls
Summary: "Please," Taeyong tries again, "Don't leave. If you're tired, then I can fight for the both of us, but just—please don't leave me, Doyoungie. Please."He sounds small and desperate, he probably looks like that too, but Taeyong didn't care anymore. He just needed his Doyoung to stay."No. Can't you see it, Yong? It just isn't working and it's better to do this now before we can create more damage—bigger damage—the type that we can't fix anymore."Doyoung walks away. He thinks that it's for the best.





	Sorry That I Walked Away

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this hasn't been beta read entirely, so please forgive me for any mistakes.

_"What?"_  
  
_"You heard me, I can't do this anymore," Doyoung hears himself say as he looks his lover in the eye. The same lover that has both of his hands in a tight grip, silently begging him to take back his words. His resolve remains firm._  
  
_"Please, Dongyoung, please don't do this," the said lover shifts from his position on the couch to kneel in front of him, still clutching his hands as if it were his life line, "We can still fix this."_  
  
_Doyoung tries to free his hands from the death grip "We've been fighting so much, Taeyong, that's all we've been doing for the past month and, quite frankly, I'm drained. I'm tired. I can't do this anymore," finally, he manages to free himself. He stands up._  
  
_"Please… please don't," Taeyong says in a broken whisper through his tears. Hearing that makes Doyoung feel like he's the biggest jerk in all of Seoul for doing what he's currently doing, but his rational side tells him that it's the best for both of them—the monster that their relationship transformed into has become too toxic. He turns away before he gets swayed by the tears. He was always defenseless when it came to anyone crying, much more so if that person was ~~his Taey~~ Taeyong._  
  
_Taeyong repeats his words and Doyoung finds it harder to stand his ground, but he needs to be strong, for the both of them. ‘It's better off this way’, he tells himself for the nth time tonight._  
  
_"Please," Taeyong tries again, "Don't leave. If you're tired, then I can fight for the both of us, but just—please don't leave me, Doyoungie. Please."_  
_He sounds small and desperate, he probably looks like that too, but Taeyong didn't care anymore. He just needed his Doyoung to stay._  
  
_"No. Can't you see it, Yong? It just isn't working and it's better to do this now before we can create more damage—bigger damage—the type that we can't fix anymore."_  
  
_"Please."_  
  
_"I'll come back for whatever stuff I left here or you can just past them on to Taeil hyung. Goodbye, hyung."_  
  
_And with that, he walks away._

 

* * *

 

On nights like this, when the weather isn't as pleasant and he couldn't seem to shut his brain off despite trying all the methods that he could think of, Doyoung thinks back to that night four months ago, the months that lead to it, and the aftermath.  
  
Lee Taeyong was by far the longest relationship that Doyoung has had. They met during his first year of college and they've had a strange love-hate relationship from the start consisting of constant bickering mixed with silent acts of caring for each other. It was odd, but to them it worked—maybe a bit too well.  
  
To say that it wasn't a surprise when they got together would be a fallacy, because it was. None of their friends expected them to become lovers, so it was quite a shock for everybody when they announced their relationship at the end of Doyoung's second year. They didn't even take the pair seriously at first, telling them to "quit messing around" as Ten had said so eloquently; and looking back now, Doyoung can see why.  
  
Before that point in their lives, their friends had never seen the relationship that Doyoung and Taeyong shared past the constant banter and nagging. They never saw the quiet touches of reassurance when one was on the brink of breaking down because of a test or the silent acts of handing the other a water bottle to make sure that the other stayed hydrated. They didn't get to see the two of them when they were alone together, time passing with small laughs and a generally comfortable silence. They didn't notice the look that the two shared whenever they were in a crowd and something funny or something less than ideal has happened. They didn't feel how in sync Taeyong and Doyoung were despite their clashing personalities and they most definitely did not feel the connection and the understanding between them, where things were usually left unexplained with words but were automatically understood ( _by the heart, as Taeyong once said_ ).   
  
Eventually everyone came in to terms that they were indeed a thing and that, oddly enough, the erratic relationship that the two shared worked—Taeyong had called it a beautiful chaos.  
  
Maybe that should've foreshadowed how things would turn out for the two of them. Chaos never ends well, no matter how beautiful it is. Theirs was of a thunderstorm painting beautiful images in the night sky, but left sorrow in its path or perhaps that of a supernova, bright and breathtaking but an angel of death.

  
Their denouement came gradually. It started with Taeyong graduating from college and transitioning into a full-fledged adult complete with bills to take care of and student loans to pay off.  
  
It was easy at first, managing the new shift in their relationship. They told themselves that once Doyoung graduated after this last year, things would get better. However, that wasn't the case.   
  
After summer ended and Doyoung had to go back and finish his last year, things got harder. They weren't prepared for the strain and stress of having a relationship where they didn't see each other as often as they did—of having schedules that didn't match and lives that were so vastly different from one another.  
  
Taeyong's life was moving quickly, he got a job that pays well with somewhat agreeable hours, while Doyoung was still stuck studying and drowning in term papers and assignments. For the first time since their relationship started—no scratch that—for the first time since they met, Doyoung had found them out of sync.  
  
Soon after, the fights started. It wasn't like their normal bickering. It was far more harrowing. Angry words that neither meant but were never taken back were thrown around and apologies took longer with both of their prides playing out.   
  
They fought about everything and anything under the sun. Taeyong's lack of time for anything other than work. Doyoung's new habit of having more frequent nights out. Taeyong's intensified cleaning habits due to stress. Doyoung bouncing back Taeyong's stress with his own stress. Doyoung choosing to bottle up all his frustration and Taeyong failing to catch on. The list goes on and on, but it always ends the same way—with cold shoulders and prolonged silent treatments.  
  
Doyoung realizes that he doesn't even remember what they were fighting over (as cliché that sounds) the night that the epiphany came to him that what they have had turned toxic, which prompted him to end things.  
  
After they screamed their lungs out, no one really listening to the other, they found themselves sitting on opposite ends of the couch, minds in some far off place. Doyoung realized that maybe they were better off without each other. All they did was fight and it looks like no one was yielding anytime soon.   
  
He realized that all their recent fights never got resolved—there were no real sorrys, just empty words and promises of trying to do better; no reassuring make up kisses that asked for forgiveness, just soulless pecks that felt cold and unfamiliar; no give, all take. It was toxic and tiring and unhealthy. What was once a beautiful chaos, a warm and secure understanding between the both of them was now almost an unrecognizable monster of a mess.   
  
Doyoung would've liked to grow old with Taeyong, but he now knows that there would've been no growth at all if they kept themselves in the constant cycle of emotional exhaustion.   
  
And so, he broke it off. He threw in the towel, gave up one of the most precious things that he had ever had the pleasure of calling his.   
  
He loved Taeyong so much, more than he could even fully express, that he made the decision of letting him go because he knew that it was for the best. It would've been selfish, he tells himself, if he stayed in the relationship knowing that it would eventually lead to them forming scars that would never heal. If you ask him what's the hardest thing he had to do in the past year, he would tell you that it was turning his back and walking away. He just hopes that Taeyong understands this one day.  
  
They had a good run, but it seemed like the stars didn't approve of them as of the moment. Maybe in another universe, they would've stayed together or maybe, if the universe permits it, their stars would align again once more.  
  
Should he have stayed and tried to work things through with Taeyong? Perhaps, but deep down he knew that he did the right thing. At their constant state and the current situation in which their individual lives were in, it was best to step away.  
  
During nights like this, when all the lights are closed and he's all alone and wrapped in a blanket, Doyoung feels his emotions more intensely. The nostalgia, the doubt, the hurt, and the sadness become familiar sensations but he knows that one day, it will all fade away.  
  
And with that one final thought, Doyoung finally fell deep into the realm of sleep (he dreamt of _him_ that night).

 

* * *

  
  
Aside from his senior year of college, Doyoung was never a club person. He couldn't stand the noise and the visual overload that came with it. It was all too much for him—too loud, too fast, too blinding, too sweaty, and too chaotic for his liking—but here he was, nursing a drink that Ten shoved in his hand, thinking of ways to excuse himself from his current predicament.  
  
If it were up to Doyoung, he would've stayed at home and get his much deserved rest but it seemed like Ten and Jaehyun—housemates and best friends—had other plans for him.   
  
Normally, he would have turned them down, reminding them that "clubs aren't my thing anymore, I'm too old for them," however Jaehyun had put up a strong argument about how his "favorite hyung" never made time for them anymore, with Ten bringing up how Doyoung hadn't gone out in years (which is an exaggeration because Doyoung remembers being dragged out to a bar for Jaehyun's birthday eight months ago).  
  
Now he finds himself alone at the bar after being left by his friends—the very friends who guilt tripped him into going out—who went to find people to "make their Saturday night a bit more entertaining" as the Thai had said before leaving him with a concoction of alcohol that tastes like it could send him straight to the ER if he finished all of it. Although he hates where he's currently at, a hospital isn't exactly where he wants to spend the rest of his weekend at and so, he just absentmindedly plays with the glass as he tries his best not to catch anyone's attention. He isn't in the mood to get hit on and he absolutely is not made for one night stands.  
  
"Hey, do you come here often?"  
  
Damn it. He wonders what he had done in the past few weeks that had the stars against him yet again.   
  
He prepared his coldest glare as he turned to face this person with bad pickup lines who dare interrupt his night in order to tell him off but the words died in his mouth.  
  
He must have really done something horrible for him to be punished this badly.  
  
"Hello, Dongyoung."  
  
Right infront of him was the man that he had tried so hard to delete from his mind only for him to see the said man in his dreams a few times each month.  
  
"Taeyong."  
  
"Glad to see you haven't forgotten me. How long has it been?" his past lover smiles that bright and beautiful smile that used to make Doyoung feel things.  
  
How long has it been? He takes a pause, acting like he's calculating how much time had pass since they last saw each other when in reality he knows that they haven't seen each other in three years, eleven months, and twenty-one days because a small, tiny, part of him still keeps track—but instead of saying this he responds with, "It's been about four years I think?"  
  
He hasn't seen him since he walked away that night opting to ask favors from friends to fetch his belongs from Taeyong's apartment in his quest to stay away from him, lest he breaks his resolve, avoiding all situations that might've led to them crossing paths.

“It’s been that long, huh? You haven’t changed a bit,” Taeyong says as he takes the empty seat next to Doyoung.

Doyoung was still a bit stunned, he couldn’t believe that of all places, they’d cross paths again in a _club_.

“I could say the same, but if I recall correctly, Lee Taeyong would never step foot inside of a club.”

Taeyong laughs at this, “Oh, don’t get me wrong, I still don’t. I was dragged here by Youngho, you remember him right? It’s his going away party.”

“Well, you aren’t the only one,” he mumbles against the rim of his glass that was still filled with the toxic concoction, “Ten and Jaehyun guilt tripped me into going out tonight.”

Taeyong makes a sound that suggests that he finds something interesting. Doyoung can feel eyes staring at his side profile.

 “What?”

“Oh nothing, I was just thinking how funny it is that we’d meet here—out of all places—after four years and that we were both forced to be in this club against our own will,” Taeyong says with a smile.

“Hmm, what about it?” the younger asks as he tilts his to look at the man beside him.

“Maybe…,” Taeyong says slowly, “we were meant to be here, after all.”

Doyoung takes a sip of his alcohol, thinks better of it and puts it down, “Maybe.”

They sit in silence for a while after that.

Doyoung takes this time to process the exchange that just happened. Maybe they were meant to be there tonight. Was this perhaps their chance of rekindling what they had? Was destiny giving them the go signal to be in each other’s lives again? Or was this destiny asking them to tidy up loose ends and move on (because Doyoung sure hasn’t, no matter what he tells himself at night)? Whatever the reason, Doyoung knows one thing for sure—he missed Taeyong (he missed him from the moment that he walked away).

So when Taeyong asks him if he wants to leave the club and catch up over coffee at the 24 hour café down the street, he doesn’t say no.

  
(“…and just for the record, I could've never forgotten you by the way,” Doyoung says as they part ways that night.)

 

* * *

 

 

On mornings like this, when there is peace and serenity, Doyoung likes to think about all the wonderful things that has happened in his life that he's thankful for.  
  
He's thankful befriending that weird Thai exchange student in high school and taking the bread looking freshman under his wing during his second year of college. He's thankful for their friendship, but most importantly, he's thankful for their talent in guilt tripping him to do things because if they hadn't forced him to go out that one October night, he wouldn't have found his way back to the person he now calls his home.   
  
Doyoung thinks about that saying on how things that were meant to be always found ways to comeback. He thanks their stars for realigning themselves once more. 

It wasn’t a quick and easy ride to get to where they were again. It took months of learning how to be a part of each other’s lives again. It took several coffee dates and nights in to get to know the person that each of them has become. It took several tries to figure out how to fit into each other’s schedule. It took open communication and a slower pace to understand each other better. It might took them a while, but Doyoung wouldn’t have had it any other way—he didn’t want to make mistakes when it came to Taeyong, and he was quite certain that Taeyong felt the same way.

Doyoung thanks his younger self for making the decision to walk away. It’s still one of the hardest things that he has ever done, but now, he knows that he did the right thing. He now knows that if they would’ve stayed together, they wouldn’t be where and who they are now. Walking away thought them lessons about life and about love. It made both of them wiser and stronger, enough that there won’t be a need to walk away anymore. They could get through anything, together.

  
On mornings like this, when the world is quiet and he's wrapped in the arms of the person he treasures the most, Doyoung feels safe and warm and happy—but most of all, he feels loved.  
  
And with one final thought, he savors the moment goes back to sleep (only to be waken up an hour later by Taeyong's kisses).

**Author's Note:**

> if you made it to the end, i would just like to say thank you! sorry if it was a bit messy, i wrote majority of this at too-early-in-the-morning am. this is also the first ever fic that i have ever published, so i hope that it's okay (i'm still figuring out how to write well huhu) thank you again <3


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